One skill I am struggling with is "not making it worse."
There are a couple of ways I can make things worse. I can take a bad situation and make it significantly worse by yelling louder, throwing things, making threats, refusing to give up, oh I could describe some doozies.
Alternately, I can make things worse by taking a bad situation, or a mistake, and beating myself up about it. If I'm already upset, telling myself I'm an idiot really doesn't help anything. I can hear the dry voice of my therapist saying "Well, it really doesn't help anything to say that, you know," when I tell him so.
It doesn't help to deny myself access to friends, or to things that make me feel better. No, you can't go out to that movie, you made a fool of yourself at work today. Not only does it not help prevent me from making a fool of myself at work (if that even really happened vs. just being a huge fear of mine or a misrepresentation in my mind), but it makes me sadder and angrier and hate myself more.
In the first case, my goal is to walk away. Hang up the phone. Give up the fight. Don't have to win. Don't make things worse.
In the second case, my goal is to be realistic about how bad my screwup was, and to attempt to fix it. If it is something that can be fixed, apologized for or somehow changed, I should do that. If it is not (i.e. spilling food down my shirt), then I should not fixate on it, I should not make it bigger, I should not theorize that everyone in the office saw it or is giggling behind my back. I should be realistic.
I need to not make things worse.
Showing posts with label apologize. Show all posts
Showing posts with label apologize. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Tomorrow I will try again
I yelled at my little children. I made my daughter cry and sent her to school upset at me and I feel so guilty. I thought about going to get her out of class to tell her I am sorry, but I know that would just disrupt things again -- she is in a place she is happy and normal and accepted and I want her to be able to be in that place today.
My little boy's face crumpled when I told him how angry I am at him. I didn't do it in an appropriate way, but in a furious way and I am guilty about that. I was able to talk to him before his class and tried to repair the damage, a little.
I will see them both tonight when I pick them up. I will try to be there before the usual 6 p.m. pickup time and maybe we'll have time to play a little on the playground before it gets dark. I will draw them close and tell them how sorry I am for the loud yelling. I will tell them what I will try to do tonight to get us more ready for the morning so we won't be so rushed and prone to being late (which is what got me so angry, I just can't seem to make them get out the door). I will tell them we are playing outside extra as part of my apology.
They will hug me around the neck and my daughter will stroke my face and tell me thank you and say "You are the world's best mom and I know you're doing the best you can," and my little boy will say "Does this mean I get chocolate, too?" and they will run off laughing. Their hearts will be scarred, a little, again, and I will feel guilty but maybe not quite so much.
I am trying to talk to the person inside me who yelled at them, who totally lost control and indulged herself in a tantrum. Wait, indulged is a judgmental word and I'd rather not go there. I didn't totally lose control because I did manage to drive them to school and get myself to work.
I got way too angry this morning and scared my children. Which is not the kind of parent I want to be. They do know I love them, and I know they are forgiving. I will not forget this, but I will try to put it in the past, for now. I will apologize, I will try to repair the damage with the apology and over-repair with the extra time for play. I have made a plan to make the chances of it happening again less likely. That is what I can do about this. That is how I can get past this without beating myself silly. Beating myself up about this will send me to bed with the covers over my head. My kids will be out in the living room, alone, watching TV and wondering why mom isn't cooking dinner. I can be the kind of mom who cries to herself under the covers about why she's such a bad mom, or I can be the kind of mom who makes mistakes, then tries to fix them and move on.
Tomorrow morning I will try again.
My little boy's face crumpled when I told him how angry I am at him. I didn't do it in an appropriate way, but in a furious way and I am guilty about that. I was able to talk to him before his class and tried to repair the damage, a little.
I will see them both tonight when I pick them up. I will try to be there before the usual 6 p.m. pickup time and maybe we'll have time to play a little on the playground before it gets dark. I will draw them close and tell them how sorry I am for the loud yelling. I will tell them what I will try to do tonight to get us more ready for the morning so we won't be so rushed and prone to being late (which is what got me so angry, I just can't seem to make them get out the door). I will tell them we are playing outside extra as part of my apology.
They will hug me around the neck and my daughter will stroke my face and tell me thank you and say "You are the world's best mom and I know you're doing the best you can," and my little boy will say "Does this mean I get chocolate, too?" and they will run off laughing. Their hearts will be scarred, a little, again, and I will feel guilty but maybe not quite so much.
I am trying to talk to the person inside me who yelled at them, who totally lost control and indulged herself in a tantrum. Wait, indulged is a judgmental word and I'd rather not go there. I didn't totally lose control because I did manage to drive them to school and get myself to work.
I got way too angry this morning and scared my children. Which is not the kind of parent I want to be. They do know I love them, and I know they are forgiving. I will not forget this, but I will try to put it in the past, for now. I will apologize, I will try to repair the damage with the apology and over-repair with the extra time for play. I have made a plan to make the chances of it happening again less likely. That is what I can do about this. That is how I can get past this without beating myself silly. Beating myself up about this will send me to bed with the covers over my head. My kids will be out in the living room, alone, watching TV and wondering why mom isn't cooking dinner. I can be the kind of mom who cries to herself under the covers about why she's such a bad mom, or I can be the kind of mom who makes mistakes, then tries to fix them and move on.
Tomorrow morning I will try again.
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