Slogging along

The theory here is that by doing something -- again, anything -- I can make myself feel better. The chemical explanation is that when I do something and am successful at it (even getting up and showered and dressed), my brain rewards me with a wash of dopamine. Dopamine is the natural "feel good" chemical that our brains long for.

By hanging out in bed, by being afraid and nervous and edgy, I am denying myself the natural good feelings from dopamine. By going for a walk or reading the newspaper (or posting in my blog), my body should recognize that I've accomplished something and be happy about that.

The hard part is that the microscopic bits of dopamine generated by each individual act aren't enough themselves to get me past whatever this is that has me frozen in time. I am anxious and have a sick feeling that I'm failing at something, even when I'm not. I'm trying to ignore it and slog past. I went out yesterday evening and did manage to stay "in the world" for five or six hours without melting down or giving in to the overwhelming feeling that I needed to go home, I needed to go to bed.

It was late when I got home, and my dog was happy to see me. She was also antsy and had been cooped up most of the day so I did something highly unusual and went for a walk with her. Not a long walk -- I couldn't force myself into that -- but for 10 to 15 minutes. She was so delighted her tail wagged right up to her head. I was happy to make her happy.

I hope my brain earned a little dopamine for that.