On my second emergency trip to the psychiatrist this week he finally gave me something that he SAYS will make my life feel less like I'm riding spread eagle on a moving train that is fast approaching a tunnel. I had a whole Xanax before bed and I think it helped me sleep. Took a half of one when I got to work this morning and have felt like a zombie all day.
The doctor offered to put me on disability leave. A sweep of relief washed over me when he said that until I realized that I would undoubtedly lose my job if I do that. Not that they will fire me, but that they will marginalize me (even more than now) and I will come back to find something so different and frightening I don't know if I can face it.
My ego won't let me be on mental disability leave though my head says "OH YEAH BABY THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO DO."
So instead I screamed for 90 minutes, straight, on the phone with someone I thought I loved. For 90 minutes. And he kept hanging up and I kept calling back and screaming some more. I truly don't know why he didn't just turn off his phone. (Not that I'm trying to make it his responsibility to get me to stop screaming, but because I'm actually incredibly curious as to why he'd listen that long ...)
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Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis full of pain and fear. Yet it also brings relief, for it is highly curable with a combination of work, desire and time. What doesn't help is the proliferation of erroneous and offensive information about the disorder. If you see such information on the Web, tell me and I'll counter it here. I'm an expert on how it feels to have this disorder, and how it feels to have the World's Best Therapist(tm) treat me with dialectical behavioral therapy.
Find the Dialectic
NOT BLACK, NOT WHITE. SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE.
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About Me
- Just Me
- Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis full of pain and fear. It also brings relief, for it is highly curable with a combination of work, desire and time. What doesn't help is the proliferation of erroneous and offensive information about the disorder. If you see such information on the Web, tell me and I'll counter it here. I'm an expert on how it feels to have this disorder, and how it feels to have the World's Best Therapist(tm) treat me with dialectical behavioral therapy, an amazing treatment developed at the University of Washington by Dr. Marsha Linehan. That's what you'll find in my blog -- upfront information countering some of the misinformation out there. You will also see into my heart as I answer these things, and as I live, for I am emotionally sensitive, one of the traits of this disorder. I want this blog to be one of the places I don't have to be ashamed of having BPD. One of the places where I can be Just Me.
5 comments:
My boyfriend showed me your blog via URL in an e-mail. I'm honestly not surprised, as he has a morbid fascination with BPD.
Right now that's the diagnosis my current psichiatrist is floating around, but he's not willing to make a full diagnosis, yet. At least, he hasn't told me of any.
On his call, he refuses to perform any forms of mental therapy until he can find the right combination of drugs to get me "balanced out", which can take years, obviously.
Like you, I've been on almost every SSRI known to man. I've just been taken off of Wellbutrin and placed onto Seroquel (spelling?), which has recently been accepted as treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder (I believe it's original use was for treatment of schizophrenia).
I'd say more, but this is your blog, not mine. Bottom line is, you're a lot better at saying the things I feel.
Usually I can't even have a civil conversation with myself, much less anyone around me.
Best of Luck (and such),
--Stephen Atwood
((((((((((justme))))))))
We tend to take it out where we "feel" is safest. And yes it it's his responsibility, not to stop you but to protect himself from that. If he won't do that, it's his issue.
I hope you feel better soon.
I was on leave 3 weeks last summer. It was very scary but since I was having work problems, it was nice to get away from that. I rested and worried alot.
I feel like things are different at work now, but they were before the leave.
Take the leave, unless you really love your work and feel fulfilled by it.
Of course, money is an issue. I'm lucky that I got paid for short-term disability.
Good luck to you.
Lily
I have been where you are. It's tough; I won't spew a bunch of BS covered in scents of flowery words. Getting out of the work environment saved my life. You are right about how you will be treated when you go back. This is unfortunate. You can come back though. That's not the case when you are fired! If you go back to work and find it too upsetting, look for a new job. You might find, however, that you like your new role -- less work / effort for the same pay. You will have to decide what is best for you, but I urge you to take some time off, get your head clear, and then plan what you want to do and how you are going to get there. Again, medical leave saved my life.
Good luck!
I can't find the comment link for your latest entry (My head exploded) so I am leaving a comment here in your next to last post.
I understand that roller coaster ride. I've spent the last 2 weeks mostly in hospital too. Time sure slows down esp on the mental ward. I always try to join in the Day activities, like doing arts and craft. Some mornings we go out for a walk too.
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