Slogging along

The theory here is that by doing something -- again, anything -- I can make myself feel better. The chemical explanation is that when I do something and am successful at it (even getting up and showered and dressed), my brain rewards me with a wash of dopamine. Dopamine is the natural "feel good" chemical that our brains long for.

By hanging out in bed, by being afraid and nervous and edgy, I am denying myself the natural good feelings from dopamine. By going for a walk or reading the newspaper (or posting in my blog), my body should recognize that I've accomplished something and be happy about that.

The hard part is that the microscopic bits of dopamine generated by each individual act aren't enough themselves to get me past whatever this is that has me frozen in time. I am anxious and have a sick feeling that I'm failing at something, even when I'm not. I'm trying to ignore it and slog past. I went out yesterday evening and did manage to stay "in the world" for five or six hours without melting down or giving in to the overwhelming feeling that I needed to go home, I needed to go to bed.

It was late when I got home, and my dog was happy to see me. She was also antsy and had been cooped up most of the day so I did something highly unusual and went for a walk with her. Not a long walk -- I couldn't force myself into that -- but for 10 to 15 minutes. She was so delighted her tail wagged right up to her head. I was happy to make her happy.

I hope my brain earned a little dopamine for that.

Just do it

Just do it. That's the solution my therapist has come up with for me. Continue with life, act as if it is OK, and hopefully it will be.

Don't stay in bed. Do something. Do anything.

Tonight I'm going to go out and work on a hobby I like. I am not supposed to leave for over an hour and I've been dreading it -- seriously dreading it -- all day. I don't know how I'll get through an evening of "fun" without being exhausted. I feel like I could go to bed now -- before 5 p.m. -- and sleep through until morning. In fact, I know I could. But instead I'll be out in the world. Sweating every second of it, but being there.

Wish me luck.

No help, no hope?

I can't seem to get out of this feeling that I'm slogging through life. I can't force myself to do anything, even things I theoretically love to do. It feels like I'm underwater most of the time and I don't know what to do.

I don't know where to turn for help -- I'm seeing a psychiatrist about medication, but it seems this is a long, slow process that doesn't have any real relief. I'm struggling most with the depression, not borderline personality disorder, but the anxiety overlay of all of this makes it really hard on a day to day basis. I'm on disability leave from work but don't think I have the wherewithal to go back, to do a good job, to even want to work at all. I have to work, of course, and am suffering financially from being off. I just don't know how to be better. I desperately want to feel better, but every single thing I do is a struggle -- every task is like a mountain I need to climb and the thought of it is just exhausting. Even the thought of getting through a day.

Living edgy

I feel so edgy.

Like I'm late for something, only I'm not. Like I owe someone money, but I don't. Like I forgot to take something out of the oven, or that there's something I should be doing but I don't know what it is and don't have the energy to actually do it anyway.

I feel a big knot in my stomach, and it's just there, present, not causing me pain or anything but just present.

I feel lost and alone and not sure where to go today or what to do with myself. I have plenty I should be doing, could be doing, wish I was doing. But instead I'm just sitting here contemplating my knot and worrying about it.

How can I find relief?

You don't know what it's like

There's a light.
A certain kind of light
That never shone on me.

You don't know what it's like.
Baby you don't know what it's like.
To love somebody. To love somebody
The way I love you.