I yelled at my little children. I made my daughter cry and sent her to school upset at me and I feel so guilty. I thought about going to get her out of class to tell her I am sorry, but I know that would just disrupt things again -- she is in a place she is happy and normal and accepted and I want her to be able to be in that place today.
My little boy's face crumpled when I told him how angry I am at him. I didn't do it in an appropriate way, but in a furious way and I am guilty about that. I was able to talk to him before his class and tried to repair the damage, a little.
I will see them both tonight when I pick them up. I will try to be there before the usual 6 p.m. pickup time and maybe we'll have time to play a little on the playground before it gets dark. I will draw them close and tell them how sorry I am for the loud yelling. I will tell them what I will try to do tonight to get us more ready for the morning so we won't be so rushed and prone to being late (which is what got me so angry, I just can't seem to make them get out the door). I will tell them we are playing outside extra as part of my apology.
They will hug me around the neck and my daughter will stroke my face and tell me thank you and say "You are the world's best mom and I know you're doing the best you can," and my little boy will say "Does this mean I get chocolate, too?" and they will run off laughing. Their hearts will be scarred, a little, again, and I will feel guilty but maybe not quite so much.
I am trying to talk to the person inside me who yelled at them, who totally lost control and indulged herself in a tantrum. Wait, indulged is a judgmental word and I'd rather not go there. I didn't totally lose control because I did manage to drive them to school and get myself to work.
I got way too angry this morning and scared my children. Which is not the kind of parent I want to be. They do know I love them, and I know they are forgiving. I will not forget this, but I will try to put it in the past, for now. I will apologize, I will try to repair the damage with the apology and over-repair with the extra time for play. I have made a plan to make the chances of it happening again less likely. That is what I can do about this. That is how I can get past this without beating myself silly. Beating myself up about this will send me to bed with the covers over my head. My kids will be out in the living room, alone, watching TV and wondering why mom isn't cooking dinner. I can be the kind of mom who cries to herself under the covers about why she's such a bad mom, or I can be the kind of mom who makes mistakes, then tries to fix them and move on.
Tomorrow morning I will try again.
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I harbor so much guilt...so much, that if I would let it consume me all at once, I would not be able to stand again.
90% of it is about stuff that have no basis on reality. (ie. I blame myself for my son's "specialness" which is hereditary.)
The other 10% is about stuff which is harmless compared to what I've gone through in the hands of my own mother. (For example: Yelling at son for playing with plugs as opposed to being beaten black and blue for waking my mom up out of a depressive stupor.)
Like you I just have to try again and again and never give up, and somehow, keep the faith that maybe I'm not so bad after all.
PS. Today I read something on Joe Apology and I thought of the two of us:
Madre,
I'm sorry that you feel bad about the way you raised me. I think you did a wonderful job, even if you don't agree. I had a happy childhood, and have matured into a well-rounded, happy, healthy, amazing adult. Thank you mom.
:)
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