Forgive myself small transgressions

As I have written before, I beat myself up when I make mistakes. My model of "self improvement" is to punish myself in hopes I'll learn a lesson and never do that again. In yesterday's post I promote self forgiveness, starting with small transgressions. A commenter agreed, but asked rhetorically, "Why is it so hard?"

I wish I knew. I wish I knew why I feel I need to be yanked into line all the time. For example:

• I ate too much last night. You fat pig! You felt so sick after all that food, you know you need to lose weight to be healthy, what in the world makes you think you needed dessert on top of all that food? You can't ever have a cookie again.
  
  
• I was late for work, again. You lazy slob. You are going to get fired. Why can't you get your ass out of bed earlier? Everyone else seems to be able to get here on time, what are you, stupid? You idiot.
  
  
• I let down a friend. You don't deserve to HAVE friends. No wonder everyone in your life leaves you -- you always let them down. I'd hate you, too, if you did that and didn't even call. What is WRONG with you?
  
  
• I couldn't stop crying. You are such a baby. Grow up. Sure, he hurt your feelings, but other people don't bawl like that when their little feelings get hurt. Get over it. Who cares what he thinks, anyway. You are such a drama queen.

Wow, even as I was typing those things, my stomach started hurting. I really do talk to myself that way. I would never talk to anyone else that way -- I try so hard to be supportive and validating. I have, on occasion, started talking to my children that way and I know instantly it is so inappropriate, so hurtful, so wrong. The look on the face of a little person hearing that kind of stuff about themselves is so, so sad that I have to know it's wrong.

I wish I could see the look on my little self's face.