Just Grow Up

Over in the LiveJournal borderline community, a thoughtful post asked:

What is up with that "pull yourself up by your psychological bootstraps" mentality that is so everywhere? I keep encountering this attitude that if I'm depressed, well, then,I just need to do somethng about it! If I don't like my life, I need to change it! I need to snap out of it! Stuff like that.When I was a kid and anyone was upset about anything, they were told to "Grow up."

Here's my comment to her.

Suck it up. Snap out of it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

That's the rhythm of what I tell myself now: Stop feeling that way. Stop crying. Stop letting it hurt.

Then, when I do things I don't like, like yelling at my kids, I say: Stop doing that. Don't ever do that again. You are the worst mother on the planet. I will never do that again. Stop it. Snap out of it, you stupid woman.

I feel as if I should beat the crap out of myself for every wrong. I should punish myself for making mistakes or bad choices. I should suffer for causing anyone else pain. I should Stop.

The problem with that, of course, is that it hasn't worked. It's a strategy I have been trying for decades of my life with no effect. I still make mistakes and stupid choices. I still yell at my kids. I still scream into my pillow. I still do.

The strategy I'd rather employ, and one I'm edging up to, is to forgive myself small transgressions. To allow myself to feel what I feel. To be what I am. If I feel like crying, cry. If I feel hurt, hurt. I tell myself to stop sucking it up. Stop it. Be what you feel. I give myself permission to feel.

I can't do it all the time, but I'm trying. I'm trying to be one percent less black and white than I was yesterday. One percent less hateful toward myself. One percent. One incident. One hateful word less.